Wedding Moments You Wish You Had But Didn't

Dear Reader,

This is a very personal writing that I have decided to share. I went back and forth whether I wanted to post this for you all to see (i'm not even sure who or how many people even read my blog) but thats besides the point.

 After some time, I came to the conclusion that someone else out there may have felt or is feeling this way too. After I wrote this and shared it with my husband and parents, I felt liberated. I only hope that this writing may provide the same relief for someone else struggling with these thoughts and find acceptance instead of regret about their wedding.

I promise you, this writing is not as negative as the title implies. Thats just a little rhetoric for ya :) WARNING- its a wee bit lengthy!

September 13, 2015- Wedding Day

Its true what they say, your wedding day is one of the most euphoric, beautiful and memorable days of your life. Your favorite people in one place, celebrating the Union of two people and two families. 

You spend a year planing for this day. Looking at pictures on Pinterest, magazines, going to wedding shows, and viewing others wedding videos and photos in hopes of finding the perfect idea of what your day will look and feel like.

Well no one prepares you for how you should or will feel after that most amazing day is over. Post wedding depression- is a real thing.

Through out the entire wedding planning process, I really wanted to stay focused on the task. And that to us was creating a wedding that portrayed our lives together- displaying the things that we love, our passions, and allowing our families talents to shine through. We wanted the day to be fun and stress free for our guests but not over the top. We wanted to show people that a planning a wedding didn't mean you had pay for a gigantic wedding cake or hire a planner or spend thousands on a videographer. You can do a lot of it yourself, or at least with the help of your village.

And after it was all over, I look back and I'm happy. I'm overjoyed with how perfect and beautiful the day turned out. But I also find myself revisiting certain moments that, well simply put, didn't exactly happen the way I imagined. Admittedly, feelings of regret surface, and  sometimes sadness.

I feel beyond guilty for having these thoughts. And I'm even more angered that I do, and haven't really done anything about them. I don't want to think about my wedding day and allow disappointments or false expectations to cloud my beautiful memories. ' So this is me, embarrassingly admitting that I struggle with ill feelings about our wedding. In desperation to purge those thoughts, I bear my open mind now.

And so here I go:
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My dad didn't cry on my wedding day. In fact, he showed little emotion at all. He actually seemed uninthused the entire day. And I wasn't sure why. I noticed it that day and I noticed it in our wedding photos. Was his mind elsewhere? I wasn't sure. All I knew is that I was his first daughter walking down the aisle and I imagined it would be a more emotional day for him.

But then I realized, I am my fathers daughter. I too had similar facial expression in our wedding photos. I look serious when I first looked saw myself in the mirror in my wedding dress. I look slightly unamused walking down the aisle, with a smirky teeth- less bearing grin on my face. I never smile like that. My voice soft, faint and squirmish as I said my vows and my eyes wondering during the ceremony, afraid to gleam into my soon to be husbands eyes. I was nervous, I didn't want to cry (mainly to prevent my makeup from smearing) but also to keep my composure. I didn't want my emotions to shed. I knew my father was having the same battle internally. We both enjoy one on one conversations with people, deep rooted friendships, loyalty to our families and loved ones but deep down we are introspective, deep, loving people with quiet souls. When we feel like talking, we will
be heard. But we do not enjoy being the center of attention.

He is a gifted guitarist, musician, and lyricist. He spent months writing a beautiful song that he performed at my wedding. He taught himself this magnificent talent. It's something he always wanted to do but life never allowed him to until several years ago. I've had the privilege of seeing him challenge himself with something he never thought was possible. His song was his emotion on my wedding day. And it was beautiful. 

While I was waffuling in confusion about my fathers lack of emotion, squinty eyes and stoic voice, It wasn't until I took a step back to look at my wedding from a different lense to come to terms that I am my father. In that moment, I understood him and I love him for that. 

AND, I shared several emotional moments with my mom. She has been a best friend growing up, I call her almost every day just to tell her the little things that no one else would care about. "Mom, I just spend hours making my first croissants at home" followed by several pictures of my craft and her excitement "yummmm!" On my wedding day I could really see the emotion in her. She gave me a kiss on the cheek in the bridal suite and whispered "you look beautiful, my beautiful daughter" we laughed and cried as memories of my compassionate, selfless, strong willed mother raising three kids, flooded my mind.

So I conclude, with this: just because you see all those perfect wedding photos of a father kissing you softly on the cheek as he hands you over to your future husband and gives a heartfelt "she is the apple of my eye" speech in this wedding videos.....that is NOT real life for everyone. We don't have to have those exact moments on our wedding day in order to sum up all the years and memories you have growing up. Your father loves you, and found the day he gave you away to your husband to be one of the most memorable of his life. There is no picture perfect moment that will justify that on your wedding day, he will do it in his own way. 

This really isn't about my father. He was purely one example of how I allowed the wedding expectations, the media, and the countless pictures available to us on the internet, to flood false fabrications of reality into my mind.

And so I write this as a reminder to myself, that the expectations of what I was going to experience on my wedding day and the reality of what happened is just as beautiful. What you desire is only a desire. And what you experience is your reality, uniquely defined by you. Not pictures you have seen it should be like or videos of the perfect day. The perfect day is what you make of it, and how you hold onto the precious moments that did happen with out yearning for those that didn't.
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He was happy after all! Thank you dad for writing and singing (he has never sung before!) your song.